September 7th, 2008 by Lou

Am I selling my soul to the devil? Let me tell you how I came to this conclusion…

A couple of days ago I realised I’d need a source of income other than the allowance I get every week. I’m planning to visit my boyfriend this Christmas and I’ll need to come up with my half of the airfare. I can do that, that’s no problem. The problem is, after I come up with airfare I’m broke. I’ll need more money to do things like shop and whatnot. That’s where the extra income comes in.

Maybe I can ask my parents for it? Uh, no.

So then I thought, there must be a way for me to make money using something I actually like - the internet.

I found endless get-rich-quick scams, from data entry to affiliate marketing (?) to filling out surveys. Why on earth should someone want to pay me to do a survey? And why no earth should I have to PAY to do data entry? *Sigh*

Nat introduced me to these guys who would pay me to blog by giving me “assignments”. I may not be the world’s best writer, but I love to write and I love voicing my opinion, as scathing as it may be.

I’ve always been against the idea of ‘paid blogging’. I always thought it was just wrong to read an entry that they were paid to write. How do you know that they’re telling the truth about what they’re writing about? How do you know that it isn’t all a pack of lies? But I thought about it some more and realized that not everyone only posts for the money. Some of us do have a thing or two to say from the depths of our soul, and no paid blog post is going to change that. The only thing I can do really is separate the half of myself that feels pain, feels love, feels emotions from the other half of myself that tries to be objective and indifferent to all the shit that goes on to my life. The second half is the part of me that will do the assignments as truthfully as possible (and by that I mean saying what I really think whether they like it or not) as opposed to writing what they want to hear.

So I signed up for PayPerPost…I’ve heard stories about them, but I’m giving it a try and see if I get approved. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to use two services at the same time, but I’m going to read both of their FAQs and see what they have to say.

Even though I’m from Trinidad, Paypal can be used down here and I don’t need an account to receive payments, it seems. I can easily use the payments sent to me (if my blogs get approved that is) as a means of opening my account. Heh.

And on yet another note. I love blogging and I’d like to have a steady audience, not just the people that pass by now and then from Despair. It would be nice if there were 4 people out there that come to my blog now and then to see what’s up because they actually want to. I think they exist. You know who you are. But I want more. Hence the entrecard. See, I don’t want any kind of traffic, I want the kind of traffic that might be interested in what I have to say.

June 7th, 2008 by Lou

My generation, at least those of us that have grown up immersed in the Ways of the Western World, have been spoiled. Not spoiled with candy and chocolate, but our ideals are probably based on things that aren’t feasible.

Growing up, I watched a lot of television. Who didn’t? Sitcoms, dramas, late night talk shows…you name it. Sitcoms were a blur of middle class families in the middle of the suburbs. Snow white, upright picket fences, perfectly manicured gardens, around a pleasant looking 3 bedroom abode. A minivan in the garage. Dick and Jane playing with Spot. Dad is off to work, Mom kisses him goodbye. The show progresses. There are subtle jokes about sex, child rearing, cheating husbands. They all imply that after the first couple of years, sex comes to a complete halt. Then it has to be planned, put into the timetable of obligations that all married adults have. Mother says to her teenage daughter, “I wanted to be a doctor. Then I met your father.” I can’t remember what show this was, but everyone was white, and they lived in the house I just described. She makes it sound like she had her ambitions and goals, and upon meeting Prince Valiant, she left her brain in the gutter and ran off with him, became impregnated after endless sessions of wild, passionate sex, had the kids and got fat and grumpy.

Compare this to one of the FEW sitcoms I consider to be pretty damn good - [i]The Cosby Show[/i]. Mr Huxtable is an accomplished Doctor with his own practice. Mrs Huxtable is a lawyer, also with her own practice. She isn’t mysteriously always home wearing suburban leisure attire, picking up her children’s toys and keeping her kitchen floor spotless. She’s enjoying a career, contributing to the household income. She isn’t spoiling her kids, she’s raising them. Mr Huxtable doesn’t leave all the child-related activities to her. He’s actually helping. He isn’t grumbling about the last time he’s had sex. THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SEX. Not that I’ve heard the phrase ‘we had sex last night,’ but when there’s an argument and he calls to make up (or she calls to make up), he has that low, deep voice, seducing her over the phone, she’s doing the same, and you KNOW that there’s going to be some hot make up sex after dinner.

No, life does not revolve around sex. But when I think about love and marriage, I think about what television has ‘taught’ me. I also think about what I want for myself. Maybe I will get married someday. It will have to be someone that is unlike any man I’ve ever known because I’m hellbent on dying a spinster. We will both make money. We will both take care of the house. We will both mind the children. And we will have sex. I don’t buy this ‘no sex after 40′ crap. I also don’t buy into losing one’s sexual attractiveness after 40. I want to look good when I get old. No thanks, Mr Plastic Surgeon. I’m going to try my best to stay in shape, pamper myself. Sure I may not have my firm, 20 something ass at 65, but I can be a sexy 65. And hopefully my husband (if there will ever be one) will try to do the same and not run after some barely legal girl to call his mistress.

But it’s all just talk, perhaps.

Maybe I will die a spinster.

April 9th, 2008 by Lou

How personal is too personal? I’ve read blogs that appear to go deep into the life of its author. A death in the family, a terminal illness, a cheating boyfriend with a small dick, having a crush on a lecturer, things like that. But how personal is too personal? I mean do we really need to know that you maxed out your husband’s credit card? Do we really want to know about the meds you take?

But at the same time, sometimes a little touch of one’s personal life adds some humanity to a blog, I think. I write about my experiences with medication because I know that there are many who go through the same thing and can relate. Maybe quoting names is too much, I don’t know, but still. I live in a country where issues like mental illness are quite taboo and once that phrase is mentioned, the first thing that comes to mind is the only mental asylum we have. I’m not even going to go into that anymore.

When I was younger my personal life was the chief topic of my blogging. From parental issues to boyfriends, whatever. It was all personal, all raw, all deep. I’m a little older now and life has taken a unique turn. But who cares if my life has taken this turn? I don’t know.

Of course, comments do speak for themselves. I’m noticing that certain visitors come back repeatedly and it really warms my heart. Someone wants to know what I have to say! It’s hot. Really. Sends shivers down my groin. Seriously, what is it about it that makes them come back? I wish I knew. I *do* know that I try to put as much thought as possible into every post. Even if it seems to go in circles it might entertain somebody.

Speaking of entertainment, something like this does NOT entertain someone:

So, I was like, idk, and she was like, you bitch omg and then I was like who r u calling a bitch and then her bf came over and was all like omg whats going on and then hes like wow jen u look really hott and then sarah was like omg rob im so breaking up with you

As much as I love Despair.nu I absolutely cannot STAND reading entries like that. The cursing I don’t mind. The cursing I can more than accept because I myself use words like shit and bitch from time to time. But idk? omg? No. Write out the whole phrase. It’s not going to kill you. Yes, it’s good reading if your friend’s boyfriend wants to date you instead of your friend, but how you tell the story ultimately decides how juicy the story is.

March 28th, 2008 by Lou

When I post an entry, I usually just post whatever comes to mind that is of some importance - usually each paragraph covers only one topic, or maybe a few closely related topics. But then when I’m about to press publish, the question is - what do I name this entry? Do I give it a really long name like, My Day, My Dog, My Antidepressants, My Boss if I post about these four things? Or, do I rewrite the post entirely to only cover one topic? Or, do I write four different posts? Or, do I name the post after the most pressing issue in it? But what if the pressing issue is in the last paragraph?
Or, do I restrict myself to one topic per post, thus making it easier to name? I’m not so sure.

I had a pretty interesting session with my therapist a couple of days back. There was some cursing, some screaming, some crying and a new sense of hope. We also spoke about my medication. I was on a new drug that entered the market, which seemed to work, because I was actually seeing some results - but the price was too much. Essentially, I’d end up paying about $100 for maybe a week’s supply. My new medication is much cheaper and supposedly works the same way as my old one (or so he said) so we’ll see what happens. I took the first dose last night (it’s to be taken at night) and didn’t notice any unpleasant side effects. It was only when I woke up this morning (or should I say this afternoon) I realised I had been out cold for over 12 hours - I went to bed about 2 this morning, and woke up at 3:30 this afternoon. I mean, when I don’t have class (and I’m unemployed right now) I can sleep for hours like that. The alarming things is I woke up exhausted, like I’d slept really badly, but I know I didn’t, and I felt like a zombie almost…in fact, I’m prepared to go back to sleep, but I don’t want to because I have things to do.

March 17th, 2008 by Lou

A few years ago, when I was heavily into blinkies and cutesy sites and stuff, I stumbled across a website that was very much like TheHateListings.org, but instead of listing FANS of a particular subject, person etc., it listed people that dislike, hate or despise a particular person or thing. Back then I was like, “how freakin’ cool is that!?”

I knew what hatelisting I would have loved to have - a hatelisting for Britney Spears. Back then I couldn’t stand her but I liked some of her songs. Looking back now I realize that I hated the fact that she was blonde, skinny and pretty - and how she represented something I neither wanted to be or could ever be - a teenager on the verge of womanhood, somewhat skanky but using innocence to fool us all.

I don’t think she’s a skank or a slut now. I think she has some problems, like her ex-husband K-Fed (I’m not even going to rant about that) and the authorities wanting to take away her kids (unless I’m wrong?…) I guess I grew out of being jealous of her, so to speak. About 20 minutes ago I stumbled across TheHatelinstings.net and again I thought, “how freakin’ cool is that?” I waited for the page to load and looked around. It was just as I remembered. The word ‘hate’ however kept on making me cringe a little. Over the years I’ve grown to believe that while I do hate certain things and people, hate is a strong word. It’s one thing to hate a serious crime like rape or murder - as a victim of the former crime, I can emphatically say that I’d so join that hatelisting because I hate to read about fathers raping their daughters, serial rapists frequenting lonely areas to find vulnerable victims…I hate that it could occur to someone to violate someone in such a cruel way. Rape can destroy one’s self image, one’s confidence, one’s life…I’m not afraid to say that I hate it.

But it’s quite another thing to say I hate Keven Federline “because everything went downhill for Britney Spears when she married this motherfucker!” (quoted from The Idiot That Used Britney). Don’t get me wrong - the webmistress/webmaster is entitled to his/her opinion. K-Fed is an idiot - or at least what we see in the press makes us believe this. But to hate someone that you’ve never actually MET face to face (I’m pretty sure that the webmistress/webmaster hasn’t actually met Kevin Federline) is something I somewhat stopped understanding. As a teen there were many celebrities that I disliked for one reason or another - maybe I said I hated these celebrities at some point in my teens - but now? Maybe I can say I hate the things they do/did/say/said. For example, I hate the fact that Rhianna, a singer born in Barbados, which is in the West Indies could say that she doesn’t like soca. (Look it up on wikipedia!) She’s entitled to her opinion too, (you go girl!) but she was being interviewed by a host from Tempo, a station somewhat like MTV but geared towards West Indians and fans of West Indian music…maybe she could have said it differently, or tried to evade the question. Many West Indians didn’t like that.

I’m monologuing.

But the point is, I hate the FACT that she made that statement. I can’t say with all my heart that I hate her just because she said this. If there were many things to dislike about her, then it would be safe to assume that I can dislike her personally. But can I? No. If you run a hatelisting and your about page only has ONE LINE about why you hate this person, is it really hate? Say that you hate the fact that they said x, or hurt y, or did z. Don’t say you hate them. It sounds like a personal dislike.

Personally I’d run a hatelisting for something that I hate, like cheating boyfriends/girlfriends or the fact that people marry for money knowing damn well they can’t stand the person they’re about to marry. Or maybe I’d run a hatelisting for a particular THING a celebrity SAID or DID. But to say that I hate a celebrity? For some reason I can’t use that word hate. I’d say dislike them, I’d say I can’t stand them, but hate? I’m not sure I can.

I do not mean to offend anyone, particularly the webmistress/webmaster of the website I quoted. I’m not knocking the idea itself - a hatelisting is a great idea. But if you’re going to have a hatelisting for a person (famous or otherwise), elaborate on what irks you about them so much. A one liner won’t cut it.

Again, NO OFFENSE!

(I’m almost afraid to publish this post because I’m afraid of offending, but that’s what my disclaimer is for.)