September 16th, 2008 by Lou

I’ll start off by saying that the nice people at Google approved my application. I’m very excited about it. I mean I don’t think I’ll become a millionaire, but it’ll be nice to see what the results are like, given that I can get more people (as in individuals that are either just like me or appreciate people like me) to come visit my site. Of course, I can’t say things like, “Click my ads! K Thnx” or anything like that, I’d be in direct breech of their policy. Thanks for the approval!

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I’m doing Voice Ensemble this semester…to make a long story short, I can only pass once everyone else knows their part. If it’s obvious to our teacher that most of us can’t hold our shit together, we all fail (anything below a C is a fail). I offered to record our part, and it’s more difficult than I thought it would be. It means having to be awake and do stuff.

I’ve been given new medication and it appears that I may be in fact, Bipolar. Yay!! (Sarcasm intended.) So I take Depakote during the day (it’s a mood stabilizer) and Seroquel at night (a sedative that works better than ANY SLEEPING PILL I’VE EVER TAKEN! PEOPLE, IF YOU NEED A SLEEPING PILL, TAKE SEROQUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it knocks me out unlike anything I’ve ever taken. It’s too powerful so I take half.

Yay being able to sleep.

I’m seriously thinking that I might go get some food even though it’s really late.

September 12th, 2008 by Lou

I’m taking Voice Ensemble 1, Primary Applied Instrument 1 (Piano), Ear Training and Sight Reading. An easy semester I think, because most of the work I have to do requires more practice than ’studying’. I think I like it this way but most semesters won’t be like this. I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts.

Anyone that really knows me well will know how long I’ve battled with my mental illness. I’m calling it a ‘mental illness’ because I’m convinced it’s more than just ‘depression’ and more than a personality disorder. But I could be wrong. It’s just that it’s so hard not wanting to get out of bed sometimes, not wanting to see ANYONE, including the few people I actually love. It’s a battle to get to school. This semester because I actually like all my classes it’s nice being in school. Getting there is the only problem.

If I had better support in my life, maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.

September 5th, 2008 by Lou

These days have been going by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time. School started back without any major drama (a good thing) and I’m repeating Level 1 piano this semester. I still haven’t put my fingers to the keys and I’m supposed to have a shitload of work prepared for both my piano teacher at school and my ABRSM exams (Google it if you’re confused). I know, why can’t I just have 1 teacher do both? Because it isn’t fair to my piano tutor at school - he’s paid to take me through the set syllabus, not take me through external exams.

My sleeping has been all off. Sometimes I sleep too much, sometimes I don’t sleep at all. It’s 2:08 AM and my stomach is screaming at me to put some junk food in it. Knowing myself I’ll probably find myself at Church’s Chicken waiting in line for a 5 piece special. At this hour of the morning I am prone to anything, even going out of my way to get fast food. It’s like a drug, I swear. Unlike the other drugs that I take for depression and insomnia, comfort eating ACTUALLY SEEMS TO WORK SOMETIMES.

Yes, it’s unhealthy, very unhealthy indeed. All that salt, all that fat, it’s not good for me. I’ll never lose ANY weight at this rate. I can feel my jeans cutting off my circulation these days and my knee hurts more and more these days. Every day I wake up and say to myself, ‘today is the first day that I’ll stop eating fast foods for comfort.’ And it never works. Sometimes I think chocolate should be my comfort food of choice. Or maybe I should be an alcoholic instead. But when I get depressed, hunger feels worse than it really is and I start craving the taste of fried chicken.

If there’s a life after death for chickens, I’m in big trouble…

August 31st, 2008 by Lou

Here’s a list of things I actually want to achieve over the next couple of months.

1. Start losing weight
2. Blog more often and get other projects started
3. Start practising again
4. See an OB/GYN (that’s “pussy doctor” to you)
5. Do something about my wrists once and for all
6. Actually go to class regularly (and I mean everything outside of school)
7. Clean my room

And this is how my day usually goes:

• Wake up
• Play Advanced Wars
• Eat
• Shit
• Cry
• Eat some more
• Cry some more
• Class?
• Go online
• Try to go to sleep

Damn it to hell. I think I’m getting worse and when I really need to do things I find it so hard to do so. I mean I think I can live without a full time job, maybe just make a little extra money on the side by doing something, I don’t know. I wish someone would hurry up and make a pill that will erase most of my fucked up childhood.

August 15th, 2008 by Lou

I’ve been bad…real bad…I haven’t blogged in months, I haven’t been on message boards for a while, I’ve been so delinquent. Arrgg. But it’s all for a good cause. I have one of them new fangled ‘boyfriends’ that everyone keeps talking about (one of my bad jokes - now LAUGH, damn it) and he’s not from around here, in fact he lives about 5,000 miles away from me. And he leaves on Wednesday.

I wish I could say life is peachy after my little ‘hiatus’ but it isn’t actually…I’m still depressed as ever, watching life go on without me, friendless, empty and in a deep pit of loneliness. Maybe self medicating wasn’t a good idea but I felt I didn’t have much choice.

Last semester I didn’t think I was ready for my voice convocation so I told my tutor I was dropping voice…but I’d definitely like to resume voice at a later date and this time start on time and get everything right. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I can take certain liberties I’d never get on percussion and piano.

To everyone I’m supposed to leave comments for on Despair.nu, I’M SORRY MAN!