November 10th, 2008 by Lou
Oh dear…it still feels like Sunday even though it’s actually Monday. That officially makes TWO days I’ve missed of blogging. *Long sigh* At least I made it everyday last week (excluding Saturday.) Yay me!
When I first started this blog I spoke about my family life a lot. Then I stopped completely because I thought it was too personal. But today I feel like I need to let off some steam before I take a hot shower and go to bed.
My Grandmother is pretty old (91) and is still in good shape (well mentally anyway). These days when she needs something she ALWAYS calls my mother. I would be sitting right next to her in the living room watching TV or reading a novel and my mother would be waaaaaaaaayyy out in the backyard or in the bathroom and she will call my mother over and over again until she comes instead of asking me for what she wants. I have long since stopped talking to my Grandmother unless it’s absolutely necessary because it pisses me off but I’m not going to start a fight with her like I could with my mother.
Which leads me to rant #2.
To make a long story short, I was raped/abused/molested (whatever you want to call it) by a male relative as a child. Over the past year my mother has been helping him in all sorts of ways because he can’t hold down a job and has no money and has been evicted from every place he ever stayed at and was even homeless for a couple of days because he had nowhere to stay. She’s paid his rent, fed him, clothed him, given him money…it hurts because she pretends that my problems (my depression/other mental illnesses are big problems, fuck what anyone else thinks). She knows how much I am still afraid of him even though these events took place years ago. After I confronted him and we had a cussing match I still didn’t feel better and I was still afraid of him. The last straw was when she confiscated his radio because his then landlady was complaining about the racket he made late at night. He was so angry that he tried to break in. For weeks after that I couldn’t sleep at all. I’d be up for days at a time, scared shitless of going to sleep because I was afraid I’d wake up and find him inside our house. It was bad enough that he used to come by and sit right outside our front door until my mother came out to him but that was it. I’m insanely angry and outraged by the way she does things for him (the latest thing she did was signing his fucking lease for his new apartment - what happens if he does some dumb shit and the landlord wants to sue someone? It’s HER name on the lease, not his….)
It’s bad enough that I have issues with my Dad, but being on the verge of hating my mother is worse. She knew about it back then, the constant abuse, but did nothing to help me. And now she helps him with his problems more than she helps me with mine. My own Grandmother seems to hate me and I don’t know why. (Well maybe hate is a strong word.)
I’m pretty sure it’s his fault that I need therapy and pills to exist. It’s his fault I’m afraid all the time. And in a sense she helped him.
October 22nd, 2008 by Lou
Sorry I haven’t updated. In fact, sorry that I haven’t checked out my Despair.nu list or my Exentrique list either. My laptop, being a Dell, is a worthless piece of shit so I had to back up everything (an exciting process in itself) and do what I’ll call a Master Reset. Everything was gone including a decent browser so everything needed to be redownloaded and installed. I’m barely even started with that. Right now I have back Firefox (IE was doing my head in) and MSN. Eventually I’ll download Trillian again so I can be on everything at the same even though I don’t have that many “online friends” anyway.
Something’s fucked up with my blog’s layout. Pages aren’t showing up which is pissing me off so I think I’ll leave those out for now and just have a blog only and no content. I’ve been imagining what a custom layout will look like…I just need the patience and energy to make one as I am lacking both right now. What happened to my fucking pages? It’s doing my head in.
Other than that, my medication is making me dizzy, disoriented and tired all the time. I haven’t been able to walk in a straight line for about 2 weeks. If I don’t take my medication I can barely get out of bed or lift my head, so I’m truly between a rock and a hard place.
Peace out.
October 14th, 2008 by Lou
Everyone loved the picture I put in my post called Motherhood. There was nothing else I could find that touched my heart more. One girl said that the mother jaguar looked angry but I don’t think so…she’s just being protective and chances are when this pic was taken there were strangers all over the place going ‘oooohhh’ and ‘aaaahhhhh’ and she probably thought ‘leave me and my kid alone, bitches, or imma bite you muthafuckas!’ Or maybe not.
But right now, my fantasies (?) about motherhood have to take a backseat. Mentally I’m still a deranged mess and still trying to deal with what happened during my childhood and dealing with what a loser I am now. I mean, going to school and studying music is better than doing nothing at all, but it’s very hard sometimes to go to class when all I want to do is sleep my worries away during the day. During the night I’m afraid of an unseen ghost. I just don’t understand it.
Enough about being depressed, here’s a baby seal.
September 27th, 2008 by Lou
Sometimes I feel okay. “Okay” means being able to make my breakfast, take a shower, go out and do anything that needs doing.
Then sometimes I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world hates me and I hate it, and the best thing to do is to stay inside under the covers and not come out.
I feel the latter more than I feel the former. Why? I’m taking the stupid medication but I feel hazy and fucked up all the time. The Seroquel makes keeps me in a permanent state of drowsiness and the Depakote makes me feel…bleah. We’ll see what happens. I’ll struggle mightily until I find something that makes me feel happy and warm inside.
Do you like my new layout? I do, even though I didn’t think it would look good with my Twitter badge and the like. No, I didn’t make it (scroll down for details) because I’m a lazy bum with free WP Theme sites in her favorites folder.
September 25th, 2008 by Lou
Last night I decided to take the sedative before I went to bed. I woke up feeling shittier than usual. It was like I was under water and I felt so lethargic. I had some errands to run and I tried to talk as normally as I could but had I been tired enough I may have lay down right then and there on the pavement and taken a nap. I don’t think I want to take this stuff anymore because I can’t miss class (yes, I missed class because I can barely grasp things! but it’s gotten better now) and whatnot because I feel like I’m hungover.
For the umpteenth time since I was accepted at PPP, I logged in to see if there were any opportunities. As usual there were a bunch of pink ones (meaning I couldn’t take advantage of them) and a bunch of grey ones (and ALL of them had reached the reserve limit!) and NO white ones. Damn you, PPP. I’m beginning to think that my location is a big minus for me. Maybe I should forget about PayPerPost and try something else.