August 31st, 2008 by Lou

Here’s a list of things I actually want to achieve over the next couple of months.

1. Start losing weight
2. Blog more often and get other projects started
3. Start practising again
4. See an OB/GYN (that’s “pussy doctor” to you)
5. Do something about my wrists once and for all
6. Actually go to class regularly (and I mean everything outside of school)
7. Clean my room

And this is how my day usually goes:

• Wake up
• Play Advanced Wars
• Eat
• Shit
• Cry
• Eat some more
• Cry some more
• Class?
• Go online
• Try to go to sleep

Damn it to hell. I think I’m getting worse and when I really need to do things I find it so hard to do so. I mean I think I can live without a full time job, maybe just make a little extra money on the side by doing something, I don’t know. I wish someone would hurry up and make a pill that will erase most of my fucked up childhood.

August 20th, 2008 by Lou

I love orange, but this theme has got to go. Now all I need to do is haul myself to the drawing board again and come up with a theme. I’m not sure what look I’m going for or if I’ll use a celebrity or not. I’ll figure it out. Hopefully.

James and I had a good time together, even though uncertainty kept kicking me in the pubes and we tend to insult each other without realizing it (that’s what happens when you take two really sensitive, touchy people and put them out in the blazing sun). But all in all, it was a hard goodbye and I miss him. I miss stroking his hair every morning and the smell of his cologne. All I have to do is close my eyes and remember that scent.

So we’re together. He’s going to be home quite soon, once his flights ran on time. I was dreading today’s goodbye more than anything. This was the part I feared the most. Not the awkwardness, but having to wake up on the last day, seeing his suitcase packed, seeing the dresser devoid of his stuff, seeing no more diet coke in the fridge, his toothbrush, his towel, his PSP games, his Air Force 1s next to the bed…I knew I’d be sad to tear myself away from how we had been living - carefree, just me and him, doing as we chose when we chose. I dreaded this because I know myself and I know how I can get when a routine disappears like that. I was finally getting comfortable with our racial and social differences (because at first I struggled.)

It’s like when me and my ex used to spend weekends together. When it first stopped I’d cry from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, wanting the old school weekends back, watching cable on my Dad’s couch, playing PS2 games and walking around the house naked. I was down for months. I don’t know what it is with me. When I lose something like that, it messes me up entirely.

August 15th, 2008 by Lou

I’ve been bad…real bad…I haven’t blogged in months, I haven’t been on message boards for a while, I’ve been so delinquent. Arrgg. But it’s all for a good cause. I have one of them new fangled ‘boyfriends’ that everyone keeps talking about (one of my bad jokes - now LAUGH, damn it) and he’s not from around here, in fact he lives about 5,000 miles away from me. And he leaves on Wednesday.

I wish I could say life is peachy after my little ‘hiatus’ but it isn’t actually…I’m still depressed as ever, watching life go on without me, friendless, empty and in a deep pit of loneliness. Maybe self medicating wasn’t a good idea but I felt I didn’t have much choice.

Last semester I didn’t think I was ready for my voice convocation so I told my tutor I was dropping voice…but I’d definitely like to resume voice at a later date and this time start on time and get everything right. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I can take certain liberties I’d never get on percussion and piano.

To everyone I’m supposed to leave comments for on Despair.nu, I’M SORRY MAN!