February 15th, 2008 by Lou

On Valentine’s Day I was at home, grumbling, about the ways of men and women and capitalism, and the idea that yet another day could become nothing more than commercial shit and petty money spending. But my ex passed by (I didn’t expect him to) and brought a red rose, a very cute stuffed panda bear (we named him Ling Sang, because he’s supposed to be Chinese) and he gave me a card that he actually wrote in…he’s never given me a card, in fact not even a written love note or anything. It was a surprise, and it reminded me of why I still love him, and a reminder that he still loves me. (Then why aren’t we together? Because I’m really messed up.)

But seriously though, this is how it works with me. We’re on really good terms, everything is perfect. Then some part of my mind decides that all of this perfection and bliss isn’t right - so I do or say something to get him really pissed off and not wanting to be around me. When we go out, a part of me convinces me enough to be a complete bitch and ruin the day/evening/night, and that’s why he says he doesn’t like going anywhere with me because somehow I get an attitude and ruin things. Or if he stares at a girl, I’ll go do something much worse, like making out with a guy. Yeah, I know, I sound like a slut, right? Guess what, I’m NOT. (Just wanted to get that clear. But seriously, I did that once, it didn’t help things.) I’m afraid to get back together, because quite frankly, I don’t think I’m ready for anything like that right now. I tried starting something new, but he only ended up hurting me. I’m afraid to fall in love with someone else because what if he ends up being a complete idiot? And as for my ex, I have been terrible to him…do I really deserve a 19383850886605858th chance? I don’t think so. When I’m with him, something in my mind makes me want to bring him down all the time, hurt him, act like I’m better than him….and when I’m not with him, I feel like I’ve lost him. Maybe the best thing is for us to be friends. Maybe that’s it, yeah.

In other news, I went to some of the Music Festival sessions. Last night was the Ladies’ Oratorio and the Gospel Solo classes. They both went really well, I was thoroughly entertained. The adjudicator was really nice - he gives good advice and knows how to let down someone really gently. His criticism never struck me as harsh, even if the criticism itself was a harsh one. Earlier this evening were the Ladies’ Duets (Open) and the Contralto Solo classes. I wish I could be a contralto, a voice like that….wow! Those deep notes! (I’m an alto, F.Y.I)