February 29th, 2008 by Lou

I want to work on my new layout, but for some reason I don’t have the energy to do it! And I’m slowly but surely feeling intimidated by Wordpress AGAIN!

February 26th, 2008 by Lou

I am the queen of procrastination. Why? I haven’t been practising (and my first evaluation for piano is tomorrow!), I have let a tonne of Music History homework pile up AND my room is still in a mess. To add to the shit I’ve been doing I find it easier NOT to go to class than to go to class. I think it has something to do with my decision to transfer to U.W.I to do the music course there instead. (If I sign up for the Certificate Course In Music and I pass it I can automatically go on to do my degree in music. If I maintain a B+ average I get my first two years off. It’s guaranteed as opposed to COSTAATT’s Associate Degree will not assure that I get the first two years off at U.W.I.) I heard some things, spoke to some people, did some thinking and decided to do the Music Course @ UWI instead. I don’t have much time to sign up, the closing date is March 31st.

If I get through, it’ll be cool. And I can transfer credits too. But it’s just that the minute I decided to go to U.W.I I (mentally) dropped out of COSTAATT again.

February 25th, 2008 by Lou

Finally, my internet is back! *Gasp*

About two weeks ago we started having problems with our phone (the phone itself that is) and eventually we stopped being able to use it. Being too lazy and broke to buy a new phone we decided to ask the phone company for a replacement (which is a waste of time because they always take MONTHS to respond to trouble reports and their phones are always defective). Eventually we discovered a problem with the phone line, and the next day the repairmen from the phone company finally showed up and spent hours trying to fix the problem. Before they left they said they had to fix the problem on ‘their end’ and once they did the phone would work again. We waited and waited for the phone to come back but it didn’t, but finally earlier this evening they called and said that the phone was officially back up. Woot! (This is why I wasn’t online for the whole week. I wonder if anyone missed me?)

Besides the phone not working I had a little crisis to deal with at home. You know, I’ve always been really hesitant to discuss certain things in my blog. Yes, in all honesty it’s not like I get millions of hits a day, and the gadget that records my stats gives a reasonably accurate picture of where my visitors are from - no one from Trinidad (as in physically from Trinidad) visits except me, which is okay because Trinidad is much too small anyway, but what about the others? Are they ordinary people in need of light entertainment? Or are most of them from Despair.nu to fulfill an obligation? But you just don’t know. I mean I want visitors, but not weirdos…

February 15th, 2008 by Lou

On Valentine’s Day I was at home, grumbling, about the ways of men and women and capitalism, and the idea that yet another day could become nothing more than commercial shit and petty money spending. But my ex passed by (I didn’t expect him to) and brought a red rose, a very cute stuffed panda bear (we named him Ling Sang, because he’s supposed to be Chinese) and he gave me a card that he actually wrote in…he’s never given me a card, in fact not even a written love note or anything. It was a surprise, and it reminded me of why I still love him, and a reminder that he still loves me. (Then why aren’t we together? Because I’m really messed up.)

But seriously though, this is how it works with me. We’re on really good terms, everything is perfect. Then some part of my mind decides that all of this perfection and bliss isn’t right - so I do or say something to get him really pissed off and not wanting to be around me. When we go out, a part of me convinces me enough to be a complete bitch and ruin the day/evening/night, and that’s why he says he doesn’t like going anywhere with me because somehow I get an attitude and ruin things. Or if he stares at a girl, I’ll go do something much worse, like making out with a guy. Yeah, I know, I sound like a slut, right? Guess what, I’m NOT. (Just wanted to get that clear. But seriously, I did that once, it didn’t help things.) I’m afraid to get back together, because quite frankly, I don’t think I’m ready for anything like that right now. I tried starting something new, but he only ended up hurting me. I’m afraid to fall in love with someone else because what if he ends up being a complete idiot? And as for my ex, I have been terrible to him…do I really deserve a 19383850886605858th chance? I don’t think so. When I’m with him, something in my mind makes me want to bring him down all the time, hurt him, act like I’m better than him….and when I’m not with him, I feel like I’ve lost him. Maybe the best thing is for us to be friends. Maybe that’s it, yeah.

In other news, I went to some of the Music Festival sessions. Last night was the Ladies’ Oratorio and the Gospel Solo classes. They both went really well, I was thoroughly entertained. The adjudicator was really nice - he gives good advice and knows how to let down someone really gently. His criticism never struck me as harsh, even if the criticism itself was a harsh one. Earlier this evening were the Ladies’ Duets (Open) and the Contralto Solo classes. I wish I could be a contralto, a voice like that….wow! Those deep notes! (I’m an alto, F.Y.I)

February 13th, 2008 by Lou

This is how my day goes - I wake up some time around 10 or 11, loaf around, eat some lunch, then get ready for school. I’ve been falling behind badly with practise and homework, and it doesn’t help that lately I’ve been having more depressed days than okay days. The Cymbalta seems to be very sometimeish. At $12.60 a pop, that shit is not cool. I don’t know if it’s because my social life isn’t what it used to be, or if it’s because school is getting tough or if V-Day is tomorrow. But at the same time I’m not exactly as suicidal as I used to be, wanting to slash my wrists and be done with it. And even though I seem to be doing very little, I am trying my best to find a job (sending out resumes and scouring the classifieds) and I actually made a new header for the next layout I plan to put up. I’m very pleased with it, even if it isn’t the best in the world. I actually went down the celebrity route (something I vowed I’d never do after my Nelly Furtado layout) because I saw a set of pictures that made up a perfect theme. I won’t say anymore. It’ll be a surprise. I said in my last entry that I’d post again on Wednesday, and behold, today’s Wednesday and here I am, posting. If I’m not getting better, at least I’m dealing with my illness with more…I don’t know…dealing with it well.

Valentine’s Day is for pussies. I say this because everyone is running around buying sexy red lingerie, chocolates in red, heart-shaped boxes and other such crap. If you’ve been married to someone for 15 years and you still love them after all this time (and they still love you), then I can see a reason in celebrating Valentine’s Day. A romantic dinner or whatever. But if you’re a 21 year old female who’s had a boyfriend for like a month, why even bother? Is it going to last? Is he going to cheat on you? You just don’t know. Maybe I’m a little sour that I’m not exactly in a relationship, but it just seems so flawed…Valentine’s should be a day to celebrate everlasting love, between two people who have been through thick and thin, who have been to hell and back together, who have shown each other that there’s no one else but them - not for giggly 16 year olds. (I’ve been seeing too much of that lately.) But I AM going to spoil myself tomorrow though - I’m going to buy my OWN chocolates in a red, heart shaped box, I’m going to get myself my OWN V-Day present and I’m going to shower myself with self-praising compliments. Or maybe I’ll end up making love to my ex. Any way you take it, I’m sure to have a good day.